Woke up to fantastic results. Think that's the best Christmas gift I can receive since I have no habit of celebrating this highly commercialised occasion. If I broadcast to the world the effort that I have put in, I think I will be pelted by stones because I spent half the time playing with Matilda.

 CM1401 Chemistry for Life Sciences

Predicted Grade - B+
Actual Grade - A

LSM1101 Biochemistry of Biomolecules

Predicted Grade - A
Actual Grade - A+

FST1101 Science and Technology of Foods 

Predicted Grade - A-
Actual Grade - A+

GEK1046 Introduction to Cultural Studies

Predicted Grade - B-
Actual Grade - B-

GEM2900 Understanding Uncertainty and Statistics Thinking

Predicted Grade - A-
Actual Grade - A

ES1541 Exploring Science Communication through Popular Science

Predicted Grade - B+
Actual Grade - A-

Actual CAP: 4.9 (After S/U)

I ought to do some predictions for my grades before they are released tomorrow. NUS is ever so kind to dash the dreams of many before Christmas, hoping that the festive spirit will neutralise the blow dealt to its beloved students. Alright so here goes (colour-coded as a throwback to my rainbow-puking days):

CM1401 Chemistry for Life Sciences

Predicted Grade - B+

Content is very heavy though the professor slashed quite a bit due to time constraints. No matter how much I read up on Organic Chemistry, I still manage to suck at it during exams. Woe is me. No talent for this despite my interest. It all boils down to who screws up more.

LSM1101 Biochemistry of Biomolecules

Predicted Grade - A

I wanted to claim I will go knock myself against a wall if I get less than an A, but I shall refrain from making such statements because anything can happen.

FST1101 Science and Technology of Foods 

Predicted Grade - A-

Was glad that I am able to answer every question given the content is so wide and I really got to work on it for 2 days. Hopefully my stellar lab reports will make up for the crappy online and pop quizzes. 

GEK1046 Introduction to Cultural Studies

Predicted Grade - B-

Final grade should be in line with what I've got for the 50% group project, which I did not have an interest for. To be S/U-ed in any case. Fascinating content and almost non-existent workload, apart from the group project.

GEM2900 Understanding Uncertainty and Statistics Thinking

Predicted Grade - A-

Took this also for the light workload, content was basically a rehash of H2 Stats with some new elements thrown in. (Why do I sound like I am giving a game review?) Was a bit stumped by some questions but I hope I get most of them correct... 

ES1541 Exploring Science Communication through Popular Science

Predicted Grade - B+

The super heavy workload had better pay off. Although I am glad that I did rather well for my final essay considering I never read the whole book in detail. 

Conclusion:

Predicted CAP - 4.4 (after S/U)
Since I am such a pessimist, I'd like to think my predictions are conservative.
Results in 14 hours. WOOHOO!

孤独终老。

Realised that I haven't blog in 2 months. Guess my school semester has really been boring. After my first semester, I came to the conclusion that I need to change my procrastination ways, because as of now the only way I can get things done is when I am under immense guilt from not having done my work, and having an impending sense of doom.

Anyway, let's just see how the finals turn out.

I see myself in 安陵容.

Her woe-is-me attitude, her claiming every action is due to circumstance, and that she is unable to live the life she covets. Her character can basically be summarised by her last words.

“这条命，这口气，我从来由不得自己。”

Of course, I've lots of freedom in my decisions, but I like to use this as an excuse for my not-so-pleasant actions. Never proclaimed to be a saint, though I try to be good to people as much as possible.

Anyway, I can kiss goodbye to my CAP this semester because I'm going to impulse buy a Nintendo 3DS just to play Pokemon X and Y.

Throat is sore but still singing in the showers.

I cannot believe some people have the audacity to just copy and paste sentences and call the section done.

What group projects do is to make you realise who you would not want to work with for the next one. Until then, you just have to suck it up.

Christopher Guo,

Please focus and get your priorities right.

Ugh, this e-learning week is not helping.

甄嬛传 has reiterated this lesson:

有时候不争，比能争会争之人有福多了。

That is something I aspire to live by, but may be impossible to do all the time in this competitive world.

Nonetheless, 

再冷，也不该拿别人的血来暖自己。

And this is why I can never ever be a super-villain. 

My imaginations oscillate wildly between 2 states:

A) A lowly concubine that is trapped in a power struggle between others and has to fend off the schemes and ploys of others to survive. Yearns only for happiness and is unconcerned with wealth and power.

B) Alone, in a high and mighty position that is assumed only through vicious tactics and trampling on the backs of others.

Conclusion: I watch too many palace dramas for my own good.

My favourite part about laboratory lessons: donning a lab coat.

I ought to do a compendium of all the funny answers I've observed given by primary school kids during my stint at the tuition centre. Sadly I've forgotten most of them after immersing myself in the world of Skyrim these few days.

Here's what I can remember:

Cactus have flashy stems to store water.
(I presume this species of cactus can only be found in a desert-themed nightclub.)

Camels have broad, flat hooves to prevent them from sunburning in the sand.
(Good to know that camels have evolved that their legs provide ample UV protection.)

Unicellular organisms reproduce by carbon dioxide.
(No comments.)

Birds have a slimelined body to reduce air resistance.
(That kid must really have a bad impression of birds.)

Seals have feathers to aid them in swimming.
(All birds can swim!)

Air is a poop conductor of heat.
(The kid's full of shit.)

and finally...

Male elephant seals feed one another for the right to mate with the female.

Let me re-iterate my stance on scholarships:

I don't care anything about them except as maybe a means to get free university education and potential future employment. Yes, I'm mercenary. No, don't come talk to me about creation of value to society because I am a selfish twat. Don't ask me how I view myself in future, because I don't see a future.

It's good if you want to give it to me, I don't care if you don't. However, I will not spend time buttering people up, lying about things that I don't believe in, and be finally burdened by the moral obligation to pay back in some form or another because I don't like to owe people anything. Getting a scholarship won't make me jump with joy.

Why should I even care when everything feels so fleeting to a habitually-depressed person? I will just do things which ever way I like, as long as I feel happy about it, even if only for a short while. It's a surefire way to destruction, but I know I'm a messed up person, and I don't need anyone's confirmation about that. No time to regret about lost opportunities and whatsoever. I don't aspire to be an achiever. I'm always going to live for some people, not myself, because I myself have no inherent value and am insignificant in the grand scheme of things. No matter how kind I strive to be, I am beyond redemption. People should be content with the fact that I managed to survive, expect no more, and just leave it as that.

If everyone in this world that I live for just turn against me, I will just take out all my savings, go travel and take in the beauty of the world, die in a suitable place and be one with nature. I have no qualms about that. As you can see, I am quite desensitised to the notion of just offing myself. Screw Singapore for making it so hard to die without much effort.

Just let me be the bitter, lonely, aloof person who is best left forgotten.

P.S. This is not a cry for help, I will go seek treatment if I feel like a piece of turd.
 

Yay. Hooray to the entrance of another lousy driver on the road!
This mini-ordeal is finally over.
I was half-expecting to fail, but thankfully that did not happen.
I can see why faith is appealing to people who feel helpless at times.

Not exactly looking forward to the coming week as it may be one that all the stars are aligned for me, or not. Much prefer to be sitting in the comfort of my bed, "exploring" a Brave New World and building my own fantastic empires.

Not  but .

Alright, I shall busy myself with launching a spaceship as Poland. 

My favourite song for now. Reminds me of how everything is fleeting. 

 
 

Thank you to all the people who truly made my birthday enjoyable. Spending the time with people whom I care about is all that matters to me. It might take a little effort to just spend time with me, but you have no idea how much your company matters. I don't need anything grand or fanciful. It's just not my thing, me being slightly antisocial, lazy and what not.

Being a troubled teen with a highly skewed mindset, I never thought I will live past my 21st, but let's not delve into the darker sides of my life. Once again, I am always grateful, even though my face may tell a different story most of the time.

My favourite activity since I got my S4 is taking a dump and playing Word Search on it.
It has provided much needed respite from the ennui of work.

Le sigh.

I feel like a part of me have just died because I finished watching Parks & Recreation up till the latest season. I'm so glad they renewed it for a sixth season because the show has brought me bouts of hysterical laughter over the past few weeks.

Really. Go watch it. It gets my seal of endorsement (not that it counts for anything but...)

I beseech you. Whoever you are.

Please?

Smokers should be having a field day this week with all the free cigarettes they get to enjoy. Maybe they don't get the kick or euphoria from deliberately destroying their lungs through their own actions. They should be glad that I'm not in political power because I will tax cigarettes damn heavily to line the state's coffers. Maybe the punishment for smoking in prohibited places is to gas them with haze. Thank goodness I don't act on my sociopathic tendencies. Alright, enough jabs at the smoking population.

The current haze has reaffirmed my "hatred" for people because human stupidity truly knows no boundaries. What a way to suicide by smothering your poor lungs with smog. Can't you hear the dying cries of your lungs? Well done, Indonesia,  major exporter of haze. Now you give me another reason to be hating on my country because it is situated in a strategic location to import your haze.

I think in my past life, I was either a courtesan / concubine because my favourite sitting position is like the one depicted below:

Shows how lazy my bones are.

I think people should stop telling me that I'm smart, for I've done more than my fair share of foolish things. Some people are just not destined to be brilliant forever and become mediocre when they grow up. Doesn't help that I feel perpetually emasculated. Having to live up to expectations is draining and unduly causes stress. 

I don't want "he was smart" to be engraved on my tombstone.  There's definitely something else that I can be remembered for. 

A P1 kid at the tuition centre where I am working at complimented that I was handsome.
That's not making me change my general negative opinion of kids, even though I might have been a major brat when I was young.

I overheard during work today that in some schools, the average mark of the cohort for Primary School Science or Math is in the 60s to 70s range, which is undoubtedly depressing to the child. Some schools set their papers ridiculously hard that there's not much point doing them in preparation for what is to come. I think some people derive a sick joy from making children unduly stressed. Although I don't like children in general, I am not that cruel to that extent.

Working after leading a pseudo-tai tai life for 3 months is tiring.

I shouldn't be relating to Fantine so much.
I am neither poor nor destitute.

I don't really like to attend people's parties because I'm not an entirely sociable person. Inviting people from different social groups to a party can result in quite an awkward atmosphere, especially when the "party area" in question is small and confined. Moreover, being such a cheapskate, and a not very thoughtful person, I will never know what to get the person unless he/she spells it out explicitly. I mean, I don't even know what I want, how would I even know what you want? 

With me bashing parties so much, you can tell I won't have one for my 21st. Setting the logistics and all can be such a hassle. I should not have to see to everyone being attended on a day that's supposed to be about me, even though it sounds extremely self-centered. Simple dinners will suffice. 

So what do I want for my birthday? 

It's to be happy. 

It's funny how I can suddenly feel so sad while walking alone in the shopping mall.
Alas, to combat my depressive episodes, I should do things that make me happy.
I'm going to cook and bake more, though the unintended consequence will be being fat.

I think I probably sabotaged myself from getting hired by admitting that I had/have (does it matter?) clinical depression. It would be easy to brush it off by claiming it's their loss, but who's kidding right? I am still sponging off my parents. But really, I'm apathetic to my employment status when I'm perpetually in the state of not wanting to live, and yet won't put in effort to die either. Yes, I'm having a slight depressive episode, but I won't do anything stupid. I play out the various scenarios in which I die, some more grotesque than others. 

I guess I can never commit myself to anything anymore since I can't envision much of my future; I'm content with living a mediocre meaningless existence.

I am so tired.

Was a nervous wreck when I stepped into the MND complex 30 minutes before my interview, but I composed myself taking a dump in their relatively clean toilet. Yes, I love leaving the grotesque details in.

They had an assignment for me which is to write a blog post regarding cats. This was to determine my standard of writing. I don't think I excelled in it despite my best attempts to inject flair into my writing and trying a bit desperately to show that I have a rather expansive vocabulary.

While I wouldn't say the interview was a breeze, I felt it was okay as I miraculously remained quite calm. I think the approachable panel helped as well. Though, pay wise it's on the lower end that I'm expecting. Hope I do get the job, even though I will be okay about it if I didn't, honestly speaking.

I am disgusted by the enormous amount of self-pity I have for myself.
Whenever I look at others, I feel ashamed of my own puny achievements, or the lack thereof.

I realise that everyone do have their own share of problems, and if you really want to be someone else you have to inherit all the problems they face. Still, I admire others for the ability to move on from things, while I can't help but just project all the gloom I've experienced onto everything else, desiring to just wither away from the face of this planet.

I am tired of having to fulfill people's expectations of me, but sadly, there is no way to truly do so because I am content with and think it is perfectly fine being a domesticated person, which to many, is not an ambition at all.

If I were someone else, I wouldn't even be friends with myself because I'm negative and passive-aggressively seeking attention through mindless antics. In short, I'm nothing more than a toxic cynic who just dampens the atmosphere by simply existing.

I should really be followed by a rain cloud like Eeyore.

I think I am jinxed today. 

Just when I had gotten my debit card, it got engulfed by the first ATM I used it at, thus making me queue for a second time at the bank. What joy.

The lesson of the day is patience. 

Really into the song 燕尾蝶 now because I like how it gives ample opportunity to shout the lyrics.

让我做燕尾蝶，拥抱最后的美梦，让我短暂快乐和感动~

I thought that was a very good line until I found out that the caterpillars of a certain species of the Swallowtail  butterfly masquerade as bird shit.

Madness is a tempting escape for the idle.

Achievement Unlocked: Buying 4D and Toto

Evidently I did it for my Mom, because I don't believe I am lucky enough to win at them.

Incidentally, the machine broke down while I was in the midst of queueing; how fortunate.

Feeling drained after belting out songs for 6 hours straight.

It was definitely therapeutic, though I have to admit my repertoire isn't growing very much and is getting sorely limited with me not tuning into the radio. I am also not very receptive to new songs over the airwaves these days because they are mostly junk; maybe it's just nostalgia for old hits that's kicking in.

How ironic it is for me to sing "Beautiful Love", or all other love songs that I belt out in the shower on a frequent rotational basis, when I have never been in a relationship before.

Hearing this song makes me feel so lonely; books are my only companions that I cling on to tightly whenever I am walking aimlessly on the streets and in shopping malls, for the pursuit of a semblance of knowledge gives me a sense of self-worth when all else fails.

Perhaps I am never destined to find love, and I will just wither on the shelf with the passing of time. I am not even sure I am entitled to love, for I take many things for granted and have no hesitation to throw them all away in moments of crazed recklessness.

I admire children for the ability to cry without inhibition.

I can't even cry nowadays to release my emotions.

I can't even make sense of my sadness, because honestly at this current point in time, there shouldn't be anything for me to be sad about.

Think I've gone haywire. 

Here's hoping my lovely nieces don't end up become terrible toddlers.

What did I sign myself up for by learning how to drive a manual car?
I have poor coordination, and that's that.
Now I look forward to every driving lesson with dread.

I don't understand how some people can have such a huge sense of self-entitlement.