I am really sick of you scrutinising others with harsh standards that you cannot even apply to yourself. This just shows that you are a hypocrite through and through. Please stop threatening action against others that is clearly not within your control of jurisdiction. It is very grating on my ears. I don't even understand why you derive such sick joy from picking on others or trying to harm them. If the matter does not even concern you, stop being a busybody. 

I beg you to stop coming into my office, complaining how busy you freaking are, then continue to linger and play games with colleagues. If you are really so busy, you will be working your ass off and not have the time to whine, to think of what punishment to be applied to others as if you have the authority to. I am really tired of your antics and can only respond with feigned interest with whatever you are saying.

Really, you are 24 now. Please grow up. 

I don't deny I'm a hypocrite. 

End rant.

The news of my parents' ailing health is disconcerting yet expected with time and age.

How I wish I could shorten my life to let them lead one that is illness-free in their graying years; I don't really have high hopes for myself with the lack of ambition and my less than optimistic outlook on life. Sort of figured that my life doesn't need to be that long, after all, given my dissatisfaction with it and the fact that my dreams are woefully unrealistic on this tropical island which champions pragmatism. Yay to being a cog in the machine even though I don't want to.

Anyway, I can't cope with major losses well, and I shudder at the thought of it. I really wonder how I would react, probably it would shatter my sanity and send me into a self-destructive rampage. That's my best guess given my emotionally volatile character.

 Paranoia acting up again, it seems.

Being guilty of not updating in a long time.

That's because I've sort of in a race to finish the Organic Chemistry textbook before the library loan expires.
It's somewhat disgusting that I could even find some semblance of joy in reading University material, but what is there to do when there aren't any games that can occupy me right now?

-GEEK OVERLOAD-

So, I've decided to put the spare time I've now to the abovementioned use.

In any case, one thought that keeps popping up in my mind these few weeks, from my interaction with a particular colleague, is that I find it amusing how most people like to overstate and overestimate their abilities. Some are just keen to be douches and abuse whatever slightest power they have to make other people miserable. Being so fervent in making someone's day hellish is just way out of the line and karma would eventually bite these people back in the ass.

Then again, I'm the kind of person who will not hesitate to retaliate and wage politics if people purposely step on my toes. Otherwise, I'm pretty much in a state of 与世无争.

In the end, everyone's parlour tricks won't even matter in the grand scheme of things. There is no lack of people who are more skilled in manipulation, and things won't always be in one's favour. Why actively wage war against others when it is so exhausting, and risk picking losing battles to be in?

My inner cynic is acting up from watching the news.

I find it ludicrous that the Thai girl is suing SMRT. After Singaporeans sympathise with your plight and donated towards your operation, you decide to pursuit a lawsuit? Although I'm no fan of SMRT from their unreliable train frequencies, but asking them for compensation when you just fell into the track on your own is just outrageous. Xenophobia has nothing to do with this; a Singaporean who chooses this course of action will be equally lambasted.

If we were to take a cue from this lawsuit, maybe we ought to sue HDB for all injuries sustained from accidents at home. It's an accident; that's why the concept of insurance exists to reimburse losses from acts of God.

Yes, maybe the corporation should step up on safety precautions, but in the first place you're not engaging in a high risk activity by taking public transport. Whoever is putting you up to this is really just acting out of GREED.

Well, it is understood that greed knows no bounds.

It's easy to play the blame game. 
Frivolous lawsuits just inspire me to sue the whole damned world. 

I just love the ever gloomy weather these days.
I'm singing to the swaying trees outside my window.

You're welcome, trees.

After my first translation job that my boss suddenly hooked me up with in the middle of a Mahjong session on a public holiday, I finally had the first hand experience of how hard it is to translate a 9 page long speech.

It was exceptionally difficult because I had to translate agencies, policies and tonnes of phrases localised to the English Language. I had a good laugh looking at what Google Translate had to offer during my 9 hour translating stint that lasted till 3am; my boss wanted it by 10am.

I thought of sneaking in a sentence about me getting rewarded with a day off, but I didn't had to. Looks like a fair trade to me.
 

So glad to be packing my field pack on Halloween where everyone is out there is getting themselves freaked out under the moonlight. Technically I wasn't really packing, just checking the things that I have safely chucked out of sight for a year remains there. Many thanks to my camp having a mobilisation; so that I have the opportunity to assure that these beloved items do not end up being whisked off to some other dimension or plane.

Each time I look at the duffel bag and field pack, it brings back fond memories. I still remember the auspicious day where I was dragging those heavy baggage up 4 storeys; it pretty much felt like death. It would have been so easy for me to lose my footing or balance and tumble down the stairway; I even wished for it to happen.

It did not, sadly.

In any case, Halloween's not my thing. 

Finally get to take a breather from the short yet hectic week.
Handling 3 papers simultaneously while still overseeing store work made me very edgy.
More work looms as I have to project my unit's expenditure for the next 6 months.
What joy.
Many thanks to others' overspending.

Let's just say I'm not in the best of moods because some people just have blatant disregard about the purpose of an self-initiated inspection.

Even if the report reflects poorly on your logistical processes and documentation, you should be glad that we offered our service to help you dig up all the mistakes. It serves as a reminder to save your own sorry ass before it perishes. (We haven't even scrutinised your spending yet! Maybe that ought to be in the scope of the next inspection.) Furthermore, this audit report is circulated internally and won't get to see the light because it is self-initiated. There is absolutely no point in "beautifying" the report. The mistakes have been committed and even if you may wish to clarify on them, if they're deemed not valid, you can just strike it off your mind. There's no need for me to strike off the observations until the whole report ceases to exist.

If you're think we're nitpicking, I can assure the audit team has closed one eye in many instances before the report drags out to be far too lengthy. If all you have to say is that we are too strict, then I'm afraid you haven't seen what strict is until you are queried by worse audit teams. Let's see what you can say to them them if you can't remedy the simplest of mistakes now. Maybe you should choose the harshness of the audit, like selecting a difficulty level in a game, won't you?

And some people just don't realise when they have to be equipped with some basic equipment for wartime, they need to have a set for their own. What, you're going to borrow someone's armour when people are shooting bullets at you? Who, in the right mind, will lend you theirs?

Trying to understand the rest of the human race gives me a migraine.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I was not there; I did not die."

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

The beauty of this poem brings me to tears.

I confess that I may be sloppy in my logistics work at times, but who the hell in the right mind turns over the mattresses for the duty personnel twice in a year. I'm sorry honey, but this is not how taxpayers' money is spent. If you truly think about improving the welfare of your soldiers this way, please use your own money to pay for the mattresses.

Prudence does not exist in the dictionaries of many in the organisation, apparently.

The flu, which has plagued me for the past 4 days already, better bring something good.

Something like weight loss from all the constant sweating. One can only hope, right.

Was on the way home on bus 66 today when this teenage couple sitting in front of me kept flirting and kissing each other. I would like to express my gratitude to them for juxtaposing my non-existential love life.

Call me envious, jealous or whatever, but I really felt like bludgeoning them with my Organic Chemistry textbook, and flinging them out of the bus with my telekinetic powers that is as non-existential as my love life.

The textbook is probably the reason why I'm not attached, but annoying couples, I beseech you to get a room to do your hanky panky stuff.

That is all, and thanks for the eyesore.

I like to pretend that I'm responsible for rainfall, that the weather changes with my mood.
It feels good to project my turbulent emotions in the form of downpours.
Very therapeutic.
But again, I'm probably fantasising too much.

It doesn't help for me to be put into situations where my abnormality potentially shines through like a diamond. Some days I really think I would be better off strutting down the streets in heels. But I guess we have to live with the 'what is' and stop brooding over the 'what if's. Easy to say, though hard to execute.

I must commend myself for being such a good actor, that I let some others have the impression that I ooze confidence, and emit a snobbish vibe where everyone around me are lesser mortals. They don't know a thing about me, and they're sorely mistaken.

For me to keep up with pretenses of normalcy eats at my soul everyday.

Just when it can't get worse, a particular bitch wants to antagonise me by pushing the blame for her own losses away to us. The only reason I will not retaliate is because I'm showing face to my friends working under her.

But nothing lasts forever.

I sometimes wonder how I came to be myself now, being cold and calculating.
I guess it is typical for me to project an icy exterior, similar to that of the shell of Cancer the Crab.

However, it's not as if I've been hurt tremendously by others before such that I am qualified to have trust issues. Maybe watching too many shows that involve scheming has had bad influences on me.

Or rather I've glimpses of how ugly the world can be that not trusting people is the wise decision.

I declare Blow Me (One Last Kiss) as my stress management song.
It feels like I can watch the whole world burn and strut down the street unscathed listening to this song.
And this is a song that allows you to yell at people that they're full of shit.
What's not great about that?

The last part of the video especially appeals to me where someone takes me far far away, although preferably not on a bicycle with wings.

I borrowed an Organic Chemistry textbook, and I'm gonna conquer it.

Just shows how mundane my life is if that's a highlight. 

I think my excrement in the morning was red thanks to the Kimchi.

Tired from being a detective today in matching the water dispensers to those captured in the system.
Investigations are ongoing but the primary conclusion is that there's a surplus, unless otherwise proven.

I guess you can call this the more interesting part of my work, but it's not really fun digging through archives of your camp's purchases, knowing that any surplus or deficit reflects poorly on the department's accounting.

It's worse that you are clearing up the mess left to you from years ago, because the onus is now on you since you have discovered the discrepancy. Being me, I feel obligated to resolve the issue before handing it over to my successor.

It's also tiring to comb the whole camp and to jot down information regarding the water dispensers, using your phone as a mirror to look for tags behind the dispensers that are probably not there at times, or dates that have been so faded that nothing can be discerned.

Thank goodness there were only 6 of those. I shudder at the thought of more.

Oh well, was rewarded with Korean cuisine with friends for dinner.
Satisfied my Kimchi craving.
Probably an overdose given the whole table of dishes was red.

Just watched Episode 4 of "Revenge" as I was only in the mood after so long.
A quote from Emily Thorne really struck a chord with me.

"The greatest weapon that anyone can use against us is our own mind. By preying on the doubts and uncertainties that already lurk there.

Are we true to ourselves? Or do we live for the expectations of others? And if we are open and honest, can we ever truly be loved?

Can we find the courage to release our deepest secrets, or in the end we are all unknowable...  even to ourselves?"

Amazing lines from scriptwriters I would say, because they express what I really feel sometimes.

Sadly, I can only confess that I have been living for the expectations of others.
It is really hard to be true to yourself, because I suppose many people don't even know what they want. Many only know what they don't.

To me, after my ordeals, I have grown to think that I don't want anything other than a basic level of comfort, and the company of friends and family. Because, anything more than that is not necessary, and can be taken away from you as easily as it is given.

I guess loss is a greater issue to deal with than not having the thing in the first place, because we humans take things for granted once we have it. Even then, friends and family can drift away from you, or be turned away by one's own actions.

Perhaps then, people live a life of deceit because they are afraid that they will lose everything if they are honest. The irony is their greatest fears may be realised once they are exposed to have lied.

In the end, having to weave all the little lies and put on a mask in life, you lose yourself in the process. You may look in the mirror and not see yourself in the reflection. That's the worst of all.

Oh well, time for the random musings to come to an end.

My week thus far...

Monday and Tuesday were spent stocktaking one of the classified units in our formation. It was quite an eye-opener because it was underground, but travelling in it was no fun because it was so huge. Some chambers were packed with ammunition that it made your eyes sting. The underground section is a perfect place to film horror, while the exterior is a deserted hill that's perfect for period dramas. Overall, the accounting system of the unit sucked. It's not clever having all your items scattered over different clusters and chambers, and yet being parked under one storage location in the system. It made us walked around aimlessly, wondering what we are looking out for when we entered each chamber.

Got summoned back to my camp on Wednesday by Boss to finish up his paper on strengthening logistics and finance processes. The thought of editing the paper for a few more times revolts me because I'm clearly uninterested in the paper, and I know the bare minimum about finance procedures. Can't believe I generated 20 over pages of fine-sounding "crap", even though most were ripped off the directives. Clap clap.

It's funny how everyone chants silently "Don't call me. Don't call me. Don't call me." whenever my boss starts to "Eh -" and tries to remember who he is looking for. Seems like the usual paper-writing quartet is tied down each with a different paper to write, though, considering how all of us take turns to go into Boss' office for his potentially hourly speech on how to edit the paper.

Suddenly down with a bad case of flu with mucus flowing like a river on Thursday. I embraced myself for OT because Boss wanted to disseminate the paper on Friday. Turns out the OT lasted until 6.30pm only. Guess I was quick with the editing and Boss the Prata-man has nothing else to change, for now.

Decided to reward myself with a MC on Friday because I couldn't take the runny nose any further. Yay.

Suddenly hit by a wave of gloom that no amount of upbeat songs can cheer me up.
It just feels like I'm never destined to be happy and will remain on the shelf forever.

I think I'm a person who lives in the past, making myself miserable through unnecessary regrets.
It does not help that my dreams are detached from reality and I have no idea how to work towards achieving them.

I want to own a quaint mansion-like home, have my own vineyard and distill wine in my own winery, or be a cheesemaker because I worship the product.

Sadly, these dreams are impractical in a place where pragmatism is above all, and are best left shattered as a result. My cynical self tells me that it is no point pursuing such endeavours.

Time to fall into slumber deep.

I've finally finished this book titled The Angel's Game.
It was a Spanish thriller that was translated into English.

Anyway, the pace in the second half of the book was so quick and the content so creepy it felt more like horror. Something that I did not appreciate before bedtime.
The corpse count was so freaking high that I almost thought I was going crazy along with the protagonist in the book because I believed in his innocence in the killings.
It was like almost everyone he came into contact to in order to discover the truth ends up dead shortly after.

Moving on to more predictable and less turbulent thrillers.

Don't know If I am dizzy from:

a) Lack of sleep
b) Haze
c) Putting on my new spectacles
d) All of the above

But I do know I'm going to collapse soon.
Shall go to sleep early today.

The Oreo Cheesecake was tragic because it didn't set well.
Hate working with gelatin.
Shall go for baked ones next time.

My adorable nieces.

A bit sad that I won't get to see Alannah (the one on the right) for 3 months because she's going to Sydney with my sister. Sometimes, they are the ones giving me strength to go on because I want to see what they will grow up to be like.

Alright, back to crushing Oreos.

Finished watching Zenkai Girl over the week after work.

It's about an aspiring, hardworking lawyer who wants to marry a rich and handsome man to enjoy living in the lap of luxury, because she struggled through poverty for her whole life. She ends up interning at a major Japanese law firm to be the baby sitter of her boss' bratty daughter, and meets a divorced chef specialising in French cuisine (whom she early on mistakes as a pervert). As expected, she falls in love with him after their many interactions, since the chef's son and her boss' daughter are in the same school.

Definitely a feel-good romantic comedy that's worth watching. The child actors are adorable (even though I'm not a fan of toddlers usually), and they provided some tear-jerking moments in the later episodes.

Love the show and the theme song is now stuck in my head.

How do you cut off a "friend" who is not contributing to the team actively, sleeps most of the time in office, and plays his iTouch all day long?

This is in light of the scenario that there is a halving of office space, and having 8 people who are designated appointment holders in a 20m2 room.

No doubt he is relatively good-natured, he has incurred the dislike of different people on separate occasions such that almost all the appointment holders in the department is turned against him. I am however not too concerned, given that he does not occupy my space or interfere with my work.

I feel cruel in using the chance of stocktake to discourage him from entering the office and subsequently insinuating that his presence is not welcomed in the office by others (which is true).

He has only 3 months left to go and he is making an effort to redeem himself.

Sometimes it seems to me that his efforts are pathetic, because we know that history has repeated itself since we moved twice in the span of the 6 months. He only bothers to buck up when his place in the office is threatened.

But I can't helped being pricked by conscience because I feel a little cruel having taken my course of action.

All I can sort of say is that people bring things upon themselves.

Heard about orientation games and decide to skip them altogether when it's my freshman year.
Seems like there are so many sexual elements involved that I'm disgusted by.
Call me uptight or whatever, but I see no fun in getting humiliated and I'm those type of people who won't play games that I 玩不起。

Seems like the games I can play are mind games because I feel like I'm such a manipulator.
Guess I need to stop wearing a mask and being so pretentious.

But tell me, who will bare everything about themselves in front of strangers?
Everyone has secrets to hide.

Politics is only a fun game if you win at it.

I think I said it before.

I like to lip-sync to songs and smile to myself on the bus to unnerve people.

Journey to the West gets freaking lame after awhile.
How can Sun Wu Kong fall for the same tricks over and over again?
Does he never learn that if he just sticks to his teacher, his teacher will never get abducted by the demons?

Oh well, never mind that show that's been repeated to death.

Revenge seems like a shining paragon of good drama that's souped up with its namesake.
I can't wait to watch how many different ways you can take revenge on someone.

I wonder how would everyone fare if they were to be judged on a scale from good to evil.
I clearly lie in the grayest area of them all.

I suspect that I grew so tall is because I tiptoe sometimes while I walk.

Anyway, hearing my juniors' first day of school just made me so disgusted at how ugly people are. Not telling your classmates that there are lessons - how horrid! I think their souls have been eroded by their selfishness. Shows you how kind people are.

And I thought my heart was the graceless one.

Not a fantastic day at work. My stores are filled to the brim thanks to a certain someone who insisted on indenting items for NDP. Now, I have to absorb all the stores. Almost felt like collapsing after seeing all the unwanted stores come back. I seriously invite auditors to come and check us. Sometimes I feel like being a whistleblower because no matter how hard you try to hold things together, there are tonnes of people out there to ruin it for you.

I've expected disasters, but not till this extent...

Thank goodness my new superior seems reasonable and logical. I have also divulged all our malpractices to him. Now the onus is on him to clear up years of crap. How exhilarating it is for him.

Ugh, some days I don't even know why I turn up for work.

I swear that I can do a much better job than many incompetent whiny people, who spend half their time complaining, and the other half smoking their lungs to oblivion. They obviously end up accomplishing next to nothing, and then continue again that they are too swamped with work.

If I had system rights, I trust that this wouldn't happen because I don't like to be chased by people for their silly requests for chairs (insert choice of item). Woes of a middleman. Hey, I relayed your requests OK, but my superior doesn't want to do his job. What am I supposed to do? Go to a golden nest and lay out a freaking office chair?

I did my part.

After awhile, I think I just stopped caring because my soul is dead from my own problems. I am more concerned about whether I am on the correct side of my bedroom window, not whether you get your freaking chair. Go share a chair with someone, or just sit on the floor!

17 months in and I realise many people do not deserve my good service. But I still try, and my goodwill is wearing thin.

I don't think people living on a thread are interested in scholarships, do you?

Anyway I swear the highlight of driving theory lessons must be footage of traffic accidents. How morbid.

I think I show a strong adversity to crowds because I feel especially lonely amidst the chaos and ruckus. It's like the noise drowns out your very existence, and you realise you are a mere player, an insignificant being in the grand scheme of things.

Moving on.

In any case, I am glad I escaped dressing up like a Christmas tree as part of some silly National Day Observance Parade. My understudy described it as an experience to live the life of a solar panel. I'm not too concerned about the crappy sunny weather, though. The dress code, however, is glaringly obnoxious. I seriously think that the fashion police ought to lock up anyone who dons a red top and  pixelised army trousers for life, for committing such a heinous fashion faux pas. It's times like this where I feel I am the only sane one. I lay on my bed the whole morning reading a novel instead of being part of this ABSURDITY.

I guess this shows how unpatriotic I am. Why pledge allegations to a nation when it feels like you are living in your very own dystopia? In this millennium, freedom of people and ideas is king.

I wonder why I haven't dressed up like some forest nymph and trot into the woods spreading fairy dust, or making speeches about love like some crazed hippie yet.

Attended my cousin's baby's first month celebrations yesterday at Food for Thought @ Botanic Gardens. The food was great, and satisfied my penchant for Western cuisine. As such, I downed 2 rounds of the food and subsequently skipped dinner (the shower was at 3pm). It was much better than the standard buffet fare, although I guess it costs a bomb. The Pesto Linguine, Potato Gratin with Spinach and Mini Beef Hamburgers were totally awesome. The Red Velvet was a slight let-down though, it had buttercream icing instead of cream cheese.

Was waiting to cross the road after we left the celebrations when Dad farted. He claimed that he was practicing for a NDP segment where there would be farting synchronised to a tune, and that the syncing was difficult. Cheap humour, ha.

A cheesecake brownie is now in the making.

This time I tripled the amount of cream cheese because I realised I only used half the quantity the previous time round out of folly. I thought a block of Philadelphia cream cheese was 500g. Genius.

Hope it turns out great.

I think it’s high time to make a grand entrance to the hip and happening blogging scene once more, so here I am!

My reason for blogging again is that I am a freaking compulsive liar. Every single day I pretend I am functional and okay in front of everyone, when I’m not. This blog will thus serve as an outlet for me to pour my heart and soul out. I will try to be less obscure about it and tell the truth of myself to the best of my efforts. You can get the latest and the most truthful reports about me (YAY!) right here on this blog.

Ugh, I’m plagued by technical difficulties while trying to write my first post. How convenient. A middle finger to you right now, my beloved internet service provider.

No, Microsoft Word, I don’t give a damn that I write my blog posts in fragmented sentences. So deal with it. Green lines don’t make me love you any much more.

Right, back to the very purpose of this blog.

I think I should confess that this year and the past has been a tumultuous year for me. I’ve been a wreck (still am, by the way) over my NS life. Even though I may have performed well work wise (I think audits will uncover that this is not the case), the thought of going back to that wretched island by the name of Pulau Tekong just tips me over into a complete mess.

So yeah, I’m in the midst of a major depressive episode even after the big hoo-ha last year. I do harbour (I’m using British spelling, stop correcting me you silly Microsoft Word) suicidal thoughts still. Don’t even know if the antidepressants are working. I’m supposed to be in Tekong right now, but I had a complete meltdown on Monday, bawling and crying my soul out. The effect is that I feel very dazed and tired right now.

 I don’t know whether I want people to view me as a depression patient, or a completely normal human being. But whatever you choose to think of me as, I will like to, foremost extend gratitude to my friends and family for being just there. You have no idea how much it means to me. I am very selfish for thinking about suicide, I must admit, and I’m trying to purge the negativity out of my silly brain.   

I’ve inclinations about just jumping out of my bedroom window even though I figured that I wouldn’t die. I have researched quite extensively on suicide (everyone wants to go the painless route I presume), and I guess I should be grateful I don’t have access to cyanide, because damn, I will be dead a thousand times over. But yeah, I like to play out the morbid fantasies of my death/hospitalisation in my head just to see who cares about me. You should realise by now I’m a very disturbed individual, so let’s just leave it at that. I hope to move past this dark phase; further treatment should be in order. 

Guess this post is getting lengthy, so hope you had a nice glimpse of my thoughts! More to come, definitely.

In case you wonder about all the lyrics that I like to post on my Facebook wall. Yeah they are a true representation of my current state of mind.