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Really felt like shit on Sunday.

Though Monday came around to inform me that I got the $500 book prize.

I should feel happy but, oh well, another hurdle to cross.

It's difficult to survive nights where wild thoughts come crashing down on you.
Many a times I've got the urge to just run to the reservoir and scream and sing during unearthly hours but I think I will be dragged off to an asylum.

I am very incensed with all those conservative religious nut-jobs. They are seriously bored out of their wits to get NLB to withdraw books that are against their narrow-minded view of a 'family'. Preaching hatred behind the masquerade of being pro-family, pretty sure they will go to heaven for it huh. I'm not denying that sometimes I have racist or xenophobic tendencies but seriously keep the hatred to yourself.

And NLB had to cave in to their unreasonable demands to destroy a book about cute gay penguin parents raising a baby penguin. Really excited to see the following furore where the 'vocal minority' (as believed by the aforementioned conservative loonies) speak up against these bigoted minds. Seriously, the government should stop bowing down to these idiots, but I guess these conservatives hold some political clout.

I also don't see the logical flow behind how the LGBT community is threatening the 'family' unit.
Do LGBTs engaging in sexy-times behind closed doors affect anyone in any way?
My understanding of basic human anatomy also informs me that homosexuals cannot give birth to homosexual children. So who gave birth to homosexuals? Hmm, beats me...

I would really like to see them try boycotting all the pro-LGBT companies like Facebook (how the irony of an Anti-Pink Dot Facebook group escapes them is beyond me), Starbucks (they seriously have the intention to bankrupt them), Google, Microsoft, and the list goes on..

Disgusted with this intolerant society; maybe I'm too liberal in this silly Asian red dot.
Oh well, I'm but a mere internet social justice warrior.

Rant over.

In other inane news, I went shopping at Uniqlo and expanded my colour palette for clothes.

My timetable is sort of out, but the last I check I don't have a Time-turner so something is very wrong with it. Even with my core modules (ridding of the timetable clash), I am still bothered by the incredulous 8 am - 6 pm timing AGAIN. Oh well.

I think this song encapsulates perfectly how I feel.

Some days I feel like I'm undeserving of happiness. Actually I don't even know what makes me truly happy. Even if I do get my dream vineyard and cheese making cellar I doubt I will be happy for long. I don't know whether I am truly envious of those high flyers whose interesting lives dwarfs mine by a million times, or I will just be content with living with safety and mediocrity.

Other days I don't even know why people are friends with me. Who would with a boring, needy, uninspired and severely flawed person? And that person is doing nothing but ultimately whoring for attention here?

One day I will die happy. Not today. Not yet.

Oh yay I'm 22 now.
Here's hoping that I would be happier in the year ahead.

Maybe I find the beauty in melancholy and have a deep-seated wish to NOT be happy so I can complain all day about the first world problems I have.

Alternatively, maybe I should have eaten more Happy Meals when I was younger instead of Extra Value Meals. The lack of Happy Meals may have had a profound effect in shaping my cynicism towards life.

Actually I don't know what will truly make me happy, but I really wanna see the world.
Especially Europe because I am so enamoured by it and I can just die there after visiting it.
I have no love for this home country of mine, for reasons unexplained.

Anyway, when I do die, please don't grieve and remember me in a funny way.
I would like my ashes to be scattered somewhere, and my spirit running free.

Not that I'm suicidal, but I don't feel any particular attachment to reality.
Much happier in my fantasy worlds.

Have I mentioned how I hate my facial hair that just spurts out in days?
Totally hate shaving and some days I just wish I can grow a glorious beard, but I doubt I can pull it off.

Very glad with my results except the sore spot that is ST1232. In a twist of fate I got an A- for my most confident subject and A+ for my electives which I weren't confident at all about.

CM1161 - A+
CM1191 - A-
EC1301 - A+
GEM 1536 - A+
PC1322 - A
ST1232 - A-

SAP: 4.83

As expected, my CAP will only fall from here, because how high can it go?
Doesn't help that the A+ are for mere bragging rights.

In other news, I swear P6 kids these days have the weirdest of questions.
This girl at the tuition centre asked whether testicle size was inherited during the lesson on heredity. I wonder what it takes for your mind to wander over there...

Ugh, no motivation to set questions for now.
My hedonistic lifestyle is proving to be too comfortable.
此间乐，不思蜀。

There's a weird recurring ache/strain on the back of my neck, which I suspect is due to the cluster of pimples there. That aside, though I should be jubilant that my 3rd niece is going to come out any moment, there is still that nagging fear of less than spectacular grades. I hope I can come into acceptance with whatever is to arrive in the matter of 10 hours.

Looks like it's a sleepless night.

Just realised setting PSLE papers isn't as easy as it seems when you're utterly unmotivated. I have the tendency to just hop onto playing games.

I've been suddenly washed over with a wave of moroseness such that I don't feel like stepping out of the house. Anyway, I am of the opinion that most people are afflicted with mental illnesses but it is just a mere matter of degree. This is especially worse for me since I have the tendency to think too much; easily lapsing into depressive moods. How I wish I was more simple. 

I must admit that my life has been very smooth-sailing and I have no reason to feel the emotions I'm feeling, but I guess this is the curse of depression. You can't ask me to stop feeling depressed or have more resistance; it doesn't work that way. I know it's all in my over-active mind and my inner demons are mere figments of imagination. They are impossible to be completely vanquished and I just have to come to accept them as a natural part of life. 

Trouble is indeed a friend.

Lenka is wise. 

Ugh, this stupid last traumatising paper desecrated my beautiful finale to my 1st year in NUS.
I shall once again predict my grades here and see what the results are on 2nd June.

CM1161 - Principles of Chemical Processes
Predicted Grade: B+

Though my results for the midterms were exceptional, but this last paper just dealt a final blow to my confidence. Shall not comment any further on how I find this module. I will probably absorb more if it wasn't at 8 am.

CM1191 - Experiments in Chemistry I
Predicted Grade: B+

The 6-hour lab sessions were long, dreary and arduous. Some labs were kind of fun because I felt like I was synthesising drugs, but 6 hours is too much. This makes me ponder whether I am suitable to work in a lab, since I hated this so much.

PC1322 Understanding the Universe
Predicted Grade: B+

Fun module with a very steep bell curve with no thanks to the easy CAs. Hope my project grade turns out to be good, because my whole group almost got tanned because of observing sunspots.

GEM1536 Darwin and Evolution
Predicted Grade: A-

Again, exceptional CA but the finals made me less than confident. Options for the finals were dubious and I feel like smacking myself for not trusting my first instincts. Anyway, interesting module with again a steep bell curve. Can modules be fun and more challenging at the same time?

ST1232 Statistics for Life Sciences
Predicted Grade: A

This was my most enjoyable core module even though the material was boring as crap. Very thankful for having an awesome and entertaining lecturer. Think I did well for the finals, since I think I saw through all the tricks.

EC1301 Principles of Economics
Predicted Grade: B+

Haiz, seems like I've been plagued by relatively poor performances for finals. Also less than confident for this paper since I couldn't get any of the calculation questions right initially. Thankfully, I got them right while checking.

Predicted SAP: 4.25 / 5

Alright, I shall go conquer the world as Poland.

In other boring news, I got my first 100 marks in university life.
Shockingly, I achieved it on my Principles of Chemical Processes test, deemed to be the bane of all Food Science & Technology students.

Glad to see my effort paid off.
It was not much, but still more than what I did for my first semester.

Oh well, it's going to get harder from here so good luck to me.

Going to crash on my bed soon.
Sat through the usual boring 8 am lecture, smelt ether fumes while synthesising copper iodide (CuI), until I also cui already. It is amazing how I can still manage to do a Stats paper at 4 pm.

This is when I realised some people just don't want to help themselves.
The past year's midterms was uploaded on the lecturer's website long long ago, and the questions that came out today were very similar, with a few numbers tweaked here and there.
I even sent my solutions to people, so if they are still clueless, then I got nothing left to say.

I should stop passing judgement on people because I guess my behaviour is similar to theirs in other aspects of my own life. Oh well.

1 down, 3 to go.
I didn't even have time to slack for this recess week.
Oh well, no chance for me to ruin my own life.

Anyway, I convinced myself that partial lunar eclipses are an impossibility during my Midterms.
BRAVO, Christopher.
Need to go restart my brain.

Is there a program for me to photoshop away all my bad life decisions?
Christopher, please resume your date with your Econs lecturer, NOW.

Potential dates for today:

周公
My Econs lecturer (through online webcast)
Myself

I have resigned to my fate that I will be grow old alone and just wither on the shelf, still waiting for people to come buy me.

Alas, in the meantime, I will settle for the best and that is to date 周公.
All you happy couples just go away and don't rub it in my face.
That is all.

Urgh, I really dislike CNY because I just want to crawl back into my introverted world. Please, just i-bank me the money already. I suspect I will be those kind of people who will 避年 in the future.

Moving on from the insignificant festival, I understand that I have a crippling low self-esteem, but I also have a low esteem for everyone else. That's good because I am about halfway there to becoming like April Ludgate (from Parks & Recreation).

Look at her overflowing with apathy.

 

That is all. Shall go spend my new year watching the Economics webcast.